I dont know if you guys out in cyber space get this but I just feel like a bit of a failure.  My twenties were full of hope that I could still be something or someone.  Do something that would make a difference.  My thirties proved how wrong I was.  I used to have so much motivation , or at least I think I did .

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I had April, my gorgeous girl, at 31 and she changed my view of things , for the better.  I wanted to stay home and spend every minute with her.  I told my self that something will turn up. A door will open for me .  Nothing did.

I had a plan , thought it out and it all fell apart. I decided it was fine and that I wasnt meant to be and something much better was just round the corner.  There is no corner its a straight road.

After the maternity leave I surrendered to the fact I was going back . Back to work but it was ok I would be part time now and it would be different than the place I left . It was different . IT was worse.

I am of course lucky lucky lucky to have a job in todays world and I understand that but thats not what this post is really about . Its about how unfufilled I am in the career path I have found myself on.  The job I have done hasnt changed in the 15 years I have done it. With every business and company scrambling for money there is no ladder and no development and therefore no change.  In fact there is very very very little work and some days I sit at a desk for 9 hours and dont have a thing to do (most days if I am honest).  Days my baby is sick and I have no holidays and feel trapped there like a prison while my hard working , over worked , husband has to take the time off to be with her (he is self employed no one he has to ask for time off ) . I HATE IT and its my crappy party and I will cry if I want to .

I understand I have so so much . I get that and again if you read other posts you will know what I put as first and its not money .  However I decided that I would write a blog but I was just lost.  Changed it and took on another  blog , lost again .  I opened an online shop and worked my butt off sewing and trying to make money from sales but fabric is expensive and people like things for nothing , plus there is only me and I have to sit in an office for 9 hours so that takes some time away from it .

I guess I am just having a rant as here I am again with this blog and my instagram and its sucks … I have 289 posts on instagram and 53 followers   .  Sigh.

I get up every morning and think of great things I want to post about and crafts I want to do then the challenges of the day arrives and Im knackered (sometimes from boredom ) and I have no energy to do any of it.

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Maybe I am just too late in the blogging world x